And I’ve been playing checkers.
A lot has happened in the past few months. Maybe not a lot- but some real eye opening shit. And I’ve realized that up until this point, I’ve been living freely and carelessly- basically without repercussions.
Soooo, drum roll please, I freaking got arrested and charged with a suspicion of a DUI. There’s a couple of comical things about this night: A) I didn’t even want to go out B) I only had a few beers and drank a glass of water before leaving the bar C) It was 10 p.m. D) My BAC was .08, which I now know means that I can literally only have one beer AND I wasn’t even buzzed and E) When they handcuffed and arrested me, I was in genuine shock.
Actually, I think I was in shock all the way up until I got home 5 hours later. Let me tell you, jail is not a fun place to be. Especially when you’re sober. I’ll spare my long night in jail- but long story short: it’s cold, you realize that you don’t have shit and therefor are forced to think about life, they take your damn shoes, they look at you like you’re a real asshole, and you get really thirsty.
Granted, I’m glad that this happened when it did and that I wasn’t hammered. Also, I seriously have learned my lesson and that won’t be happening again. I have never been so stressed out and worried in my life. That first few days, I cried.. A LOT. I hired a lawyer to represent me, and hopefully this situation will work out for the best. I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself for all of the legal fees, etc. that come with this bullshit. But I made a mistake, and I’m paying for it now. I think the worst part is that it feels like my family looks down on me. Me, the responsible one, fucked up. The interesting thing about this is that I have received so much support from my friends, but my family hasn’t really been there in the way of support. Which kind of sucks. I do feel a little abandoned, but whatever, I’m paying my price and I’ll be ok. At least I have my health, right?
So thanks to that, I’ve had to drain my savings account to pay for the lawyer and I’m not sure if my license will be suspended, so now I have to basically put my job search on hold. Honestly, I think out of all the repercussions- this one is probably the worst.
I’m not sure what God and the universe have in store for me, but clearly, moving away from here is not in the cards. lol. Every time I plan to leave, something happens. I was reading something online the other day that had this amazing quote, (paraphrasing) “All my life I was waiting for something- a new job, a change, to lose weight, something that when it happened, I could finally live my life. And then I realized, this is my life.”
Somehow through all of the turmoil of the last month, it donned on my that THIS IS MY LIFE. Given that revelation, I’m truly trying to stop and smell the roses a little more, but it is still surreal that this is happening and this is a chapter in the life of Kristen B.
Over the past few months, I have really been trying to improve every outlet of my life that I think needs it: job, city, dating, getting out more… But it seems like the harder I try, the more resistance I meet from, idk, the universe? Like, what is going on here?
Of course, my dating life is completely nonexistent. There was a little heartbreak a few months ago, some bad dates, and some really good ones. I told someone today, “It’s like Jesus is dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit.” lol. That’s honestly how I feel.
But the carrot analogy applies to everything. I go on several great interviews, and don’t get the job.. so not only can I not leave a job I hate, but now I can’t even move. I finally save up enough money to entertain the idea of just quitting and moving… then I get caught up in legal fees that won’t go away.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming anyone but myself for the messes I’ve gotten myself in. I’m just wondering, what. is. the. plan. here? Yes, have faith. I have faith. I just don’t know why I’m supposed to be so tough. I’ve been through a lot over the past 25 years, and every time it feels like the momentum is building up- I get knocked back to square one.
It could always be worse though, and I’m thankful that it isn’t. I do still have a job, can pay my rent, and take care of myself. I can put food on my table, I can laugh, I’m healthy and able bodied.
I guess I can thank my lucky stars that I’ve made it this far, am relatively successful for my age, and up until now, have never once been in trouble. I always attributed that to being really blessed. I think I’ve just realized that life isn’t all sunshine and roses, and I’ve been playing checkers when I should have been playing chess.