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… & the Pursuit of Happiness

Over the course of the last few weeks there has been a resounding thought in my head: Maybe I should move back to Florida.

That’s a thought I surprisingly never thought I would have, yet here I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love California. Been coming here my entire life and it’d be hard to return to the land of rednecks, Repuclibans, no Famer’s Markets, no recycling, and monotony. But it’s home. It’s where I have friends, where I know what’s coming, where there are people to catch me when I fall. It’s home to some of the world’s most beautiful beaches- which I miss every single summer.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling classifies as a “Quarter Life Crisis,” but I feel like it does. I planned to leave this small town on the CenCoast ever since I got here- but this time the drive feels different. I feel defeated. I feel like going home is the only way out. I feel really, really alone. I’ve felt alone ever since I got here- but this time it’s different. Before, I had hope. I’d get determined- save money like crazy and simultaneously job search like crazy. The job search thing would be the biggest pain of them all. Applying to at least 10 jobs every single day for MONTHS. Go on several interviews, third, fourth, and fifth round interviews, only to get the dreaded email. Even after the last let down, I still blazed on. I was satisfied with the money I had saved and seriously contemplated just quitting my current job and moving.

But then the arrest happened. I was forced to no longer consider moving and had to drain my savings. I’m now back to square one without so much as a glimmer of a hope of when I can begin saving again or look for jobs elsewhere. And let’s face it, I was beginning to feel like I should just give up- as if this is where I’m going to stay and won’t ever be able to find something else.

So I tried making friends again. I tried dating again. And no matter what I do, both have been elusive. And now, I’m tired. I’m tired of only being able to have a friendly interaction through a telephone. I’m tired of going on dates with guys only to never hear from them again. I’m tired of having meaningless sex. I’m tired of living here. I’m tired of not being able to make the next big move in my career. I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of drinking/taking Nyquil at night to sleep. I’m tired of getting the courage to put myself out there, only to be let down. I’m tired of letting myself down. I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m tired of not knowing what I should do next. I’m just.fucking.tired.

And so now, I’m thinking about just throwing in the towel, admitting that I’m a faliure, and moving home. I’m thinking about doing something I’d said I’d never do, something I really don’t want to do… all for the sake of not feeling alone all the time.

Growing up, I had such big plans for myself. I used to tell people, in all sincerity, that “I’m meant for greatness.” I even believed this up until April. Up until the job I interviewed with 4 fucking times told me they went with the other candidate. And then I got arrested, and I believed it even less. Then I got rejected several times by various people, and I felt it even less than before.

I know, and believe, that everything happens for a reason. There has been more than one instance in my life where I thought I was going through hell, only to make it to the other side, and everything made sense. I keep reminding myself of this now, but I don’t know why it doesn’t seem like the grass will ever get greener. I wish I could just see the pieces starting to fit together, one by one. But instead of fitting together it feels like the pieces keep getting lost. I guess the resounding answer is to keep the faith. And when it feels like things can’t get any worse is when you need to remember that the most. “When you’re going through hell- keep going,” right? 

I trust that eventually, all of this will make sense. Be a chapter in the novel of my life, one that I look back on fondly and remember that I really am a strong woman. I just hope that “eventually” starts showing its head soon. Hope.

I know that everyone has their own personal struggles, and that what feels like a low point to me is a high point to someone else. I know that. But this is my struggle. I’m ready to feel appreciated in all faucets of my life, to feel loved by the people around me- shit, to have people around me, to feel happy with myself. I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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