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love and the Nice Guy

So after taking a dating hiatus for a few months, I went on my first date in awhile this week. I was really excited about it because Construction Man is really nice and was doing all the right things- phone calls, being considerate, not getting out of line, etc. One evening we were on the phone for about an hour, and he asked me if I was up for going to see a movie (The Conjuring) that night. I was feeling a little spontaneous, so I put on some clothes and headed out the door.

I was pretty excited to finally meet him. So, I pull up to the theater and waited for him to arrive. I saw him before he saw me, and I have to admit, I was a little less than thrilled. The man works in construction, so I’m not quite sure what I expected- no shade. The man has this long surfer-man hair that everyone out here on the coast sports, and was pretty sloppily dressed. We go in the theater and the man is talking throughout the movie and even whipped out his cell phone at one point. Also, I’m not sure if this is just me being an asshole, but I was also turned off by him ordering a large coke and drinking it all in 20 minutes. To me, the combination of the above shows a lack of care in regards to how you look and to your health. I was unimpressed, to say the least.

BUT HE’S NICE and he likes me. And I’m just struggling with why it seems like all the nice guys just aren’t for me. This isn’t the first “nice guy” that I’ve gone out on a date with, just to realize that I am un-attracted for whatever reason. I know that this isn’t necessarily my fault, but Jesus.

At what point do you stop being attracted to/wanting the cute ones who have nothing to offer and go for the ones that don’t make your panties wet, but are going to treat you how you should be treated? Does the attraction grow? Do you learn to love the things that you see in them, and forget about the rest?

I’m going to test that theory. lol. I’m not ready to just give up on him because he doesn’t excite me and I’m willing to give him a second chance, because maybe I’m being too judgmental. But am I being honest with myself? Granted, just because he’s nice, I already know that he doesn’t have a lot of the qualities that I look for in a man. I’m just wondering if my standards are unrealistic…

I got home and told Kat that I really, really want a man in a suit. Someone who can hold a conversation, went to college, dresses nicely, treats me the way I should be treated AND attractive. I know that that’s out there, I’m praying that it’s out there for me, and I’m not ready to settle for less than what I want just yet. But maybe I should?

At what point do you settle for the things you want in a man, but let the rest go?Should you never settle? I mean, really never settle. Is that realistic? Is there truly someone for everyone? I’ll let you know.

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Posted by on August 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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… & the Pursuit of Happiness

Over the course of the last few weeks there has been a resounding thought in my head: Maybe I should move back to Florida.

That’s a thought I surprisingly never thought I would have, yet here I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love California. Been coming here my entire life and it’d be hard to return to the land of rednecks, Repuclibans, no Famer’s Markets, no recycling, and monotony. But it’s home. It’s where I have friends, where I know what’s coming, where there are people to catch me when I fall. It’s home to some of the world’s most beautiful beaches- which I miss every single summer.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling classifies as a “Quarter Life Crisis,” but I feel like it does. I planned to leave this small town on the CenCoast ever since I got here- but this time the drive feels different. I feel defeated. I feel like going home is the only way out. I feel really, really alone. I’ve felt alone ever since I got here- but this time it’s different. Before, I had hope. I’d get determined- save money like crazy and simultaneously job search like crazy. The job search thing would be the biggest pain of them all. Applying to at least 10 jobs every single day for MONTHS. Go on several interviews, third, fourth, and fifth round interviews, only to get the dreaded email. Even after the last let down, I still blazed on. I was satisfied with the money I had saved and seriously contemplated just quitting my current job and moving.

But then the arrest happened. I was forced to no longer consider moving and had to drain my savings. I’m now back to square one without so much as a glimmer of a hope of when I can begin saving again or look for jobs elsewhere. And let’s face it, I was beginning to feel like I should just give up- as if this is where I’m going to stay and won’t ever be able to find something else.

So I tried making friends again. I tried dating again. And no matter what I do, both have been elusive. And now, I’m tired. I’m tired of only being able to have a friendly interaction through a telephone. I’m tired of going on dates with guys only to never hear from them again. I’m tired of having meaningless sex. I’m tired of living here. I’m tired of not being able to make the next big move in my career. I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of drinking/taking Nyquil at night to sleep. I’m tired of getting the courage to put myself out there, only to be let down. I’m tired of letting myself down. I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m tired of not knowing what I should do next. I’m just.fucking.tired.

And so now, I’m thinking about just throwing in the towel, admitting that I’m a faliure, and moving home. I’m thinking about doing something I’d said I’d never do, something I really don’t want to do… all for the sake of not feeling alone all the time.

Growing up, I had such big plans for myself. I used to tell people, in all sincerity, that “I’m meant for greatness.” I even believed this up until April. Up until the job I interviewed with 4 fucking times told me they went with the other candidate. And then I got arrested, and I believed it even less. Then I got rejected several times by various people, and I felt it even less than before.

I know, and believe, that everything happens for a reason. There has been more than one instance in my life where I thought I was going through hell, only to make it to the other side, and everything made sense. I keep reminding myself of this now, but I don’t know why it doesn’t seem like the grass will ever get greener. I wish I could just see the pieces starting to fit together, one by one. But instead of fitting together it feels like the pieces keep getting lost. I guess the resounding answer is to keep the faith. And when it feels like things can’t get any worse is when you need to remember that the most. “When you’re going through hell- keep going,” right? 

I trust that eventually, all of this will make sense. Be a chapter in the novel of my life, one that I look back on fondly and remember that I really am a strong woman. I just hope that “eventually” starts showing its head soon. Hope.

I know that everyone has their own personal struggles, and that what feels like a low point to me is a high point to someone else. I know that. But this is my struggle. I’m ready to feel appreciated in all faucets of my life, to feel loved by the people around me- shit, to have people around me, to feel happy with myself. I just want to be happy.

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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25 Things To Do Before I turn 26

So, I recently celebrated my quarter of a century. 🙂 Now that my car insurance is a whopping $50, I’ve decided to sit and reflect on the things I need/ want to do before the fun really ends…

1. Learn to paddle board. If I don’t like it, find some other amazing water sport to try.

2. Pay off my credit card debt.

3. Learn to speak Spanish. Or at the very least, hold a decent conversation.

4. Manage my money better. Stop wasting it on stupid shit like ATM fees.

5. Move to an actual city with a considerable population of 20-somethings.

6. Quit my job. Or maybe even start down a new career path.

7. Hike at least once a month.

8. Learn to appreciate the beauty in the small things around me.

9. Work on letting the small things go. Because, in the end, it’s all small things.

10. Care about how I look at work.

11. COMPLETELY STOP SMOKING. No more of this “when I drink” nonsense.

12. Get real rest at night so that I don’t have to take mid-day power naps.

13. VOLUNTEER.

14. Start a retirement plan.

15. Fall in love again. Even if it’s just with a good book (but preferably with a man. lmao)

16. Explore more of Cal-i-forn-i-a.

17. Stop hiding my feelings out of fear of rejection.

18. Successfully keep a plant alive.

19. Spice up my wardrobe and actually wear the 2432432 pairs of heels in my closet.

20. Find something new that makes me happy.

21. Take time EVERY day to thank the Lord for what I have and the people in my life.

22. GO to concerts! ESPECIALLY free ones during the day. Hello day drinking!

23. Work on the relationship I have with my Dad.

24. Run a full marathon. That’s right the whole 26.2

25. Get an animal.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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