love and the Nice Guy

So after taking a dating hiatus for a few months, I went on my first date in awhile this week. I was really excited about it because Construction Man is really nice and was doing all the right things- phone calls, being considerate, not getting out of line, etc. One evening we were on the phone for about an hour, and he asked me if I was up for going to see a movie (The Conjuring) that night. I was feeling a little spontaneous, so I put on some clothes and headed out the door.

I was pretty excited to finally meet him. So, I pull up to the theater and waited for him to arrive. I saw him before he saw me, and I have to admit, I was a little less than thrilled. The man works in construction, so I’m not quite sure what I expected- no shade. The man has this long surfer-man hair that everyone out here on the coast sports, and was pretty sloppily dressed. We go in the theater and the man is talking throughout the movie and even whipped out his cell phone at one point. Also, I’m not sure if this is just me being an asshole, but I was also turned off by him ordering a large coke and drinking it all in 20 minutes. To me, the combination of the above shows a lack of care in regards to how you look and to your health. I was unimpressed, to say the least.

BUT HE’S NICE and he likes me. And I’m just struggling with why it seems like all the nice guys just aren’t for me. This isn’t the first “nice guy” that I’ve gone out on a date with, just to realize that I am un-attracted for whatever reason. I know that this isn’t necessarily my fault, but Jesus.

At what point do you stop being attracted to/wanting the cute ones who have nothing to offer and go for the ones that don’t make your panties wet, but are going to treat you how you should be treated? Does the attraction grow? Do you learn to love the things that you see in them, and forget about the rest?

I’m going to test that theory. lol. I’m not ready to just give up on him because he doesn’t excite me and I’m willing to give him a second chance, because maybe I’m being too judgmental. But am I being honest with myself? Granted, just because he’s nice, I already know that he doesn’t have a lot of the qualities that I look for in a man. I’m just wondering if my standards are unrealistic…

I got home and told Kat that I really, really want a man in a suit. Someone who can hold a conversation, went to college, dresses nicely, treats me the way I should be treated AND attractive. I know that that’s out there, I’m praying that it’s out there for me, and I’m not ready to settle for less than what I want just yet. But maybe I should?

At what point do you settle for the things you want in a man, but let the rest go?Should you never settle? I mean, really never settle. Is that realistic? Is there truly someone for everyone? I’ll let you know.

 

… & the Pursuit of Happiness

Over the course of the last few weeks there has been a resounding thought in my head: Maybe I should move back to Florida.

That’s a thought I surprisingly never thought I would have, yet here I am. Don’t get me wrong, I love California. Been coming here my entire life and it’d be hard to return to the land of rednecks, Repuclibans, no Famer’s Markets, no recycling, and monotony. But it’s home. It’s where I have friends, where I know what’s coming, where there are people to catch me when I fall. It’s home to some of the world’s most beautiful beaches- which I miss every single summer.

I don’t know if what I’m feeling classifies as a “Quarter Life Crisis,” but I feel like it does. I planned to leave this small town on the CenCoast ever since I got here- but this time the drive feels different. I feel defeated. I feel like going home is the only way out. I feel really, really alone. I’ve felt alone ever since I got here- but this time it’s different. Before, I had hope. I’d get determined- save money like crazy and simultaneously job search like crazy. The job search thing would be the biggest pain of them all. Applying to at least 10 jobs every single day for MONTHS. Go on several interviews, third, fourth, and fifth round interviews, only to get the dreaded email. Even after the last let down, I still blazed on. I was satisfied with the money I had saved and seriously contemplated just quitting my current job and moving.

But then the arrest happened. I was forced to no longer consider moving and had to drain my savings. I’m now back to square one without so much as a glimmer of a hope of when I can begin saving again or look for jobs elsewhere. And let’s face it, I was beginning to feel like I should just give up- as if this is where I’m going to stay and won’t ever be able to find something else.

So I tried making friends again. I tried dating again. And no matter what I do, both have been elusive. And now, I’m tired. I’m tired of only being able to have a friendly interaction through a telephone. I’m tired of going on dates with guys only to never hear from them again. I’m tired of having meaningless sex. I’m tired of living here. I’m tired of not being able to make the next big move in my career. I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of drinking/taking Nyquil at night to sleep. I’m tired of getting the courage to put myself out there, only to be let down. I’m tired of letting myself down. I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m tired of not knowing what I should do next. I’m just.fucking.tired.

And so now, I’m thinking about just throwing in the towel, admitting that I’m a faliure, and moving home. I’m thinking about doing something I’d said I’d never do, something I really don’t want to do… all for the sake of not feeling alone all the time.

Growing up, I had such big plans for myself. I used to tell people, in all sincerity, that “I’m meant for greatness.” I even believed this up until April. Up until the job I interviewed with 4 fucking times told me they went with the other candidate. And then I got arrested, and I believed it even less. Then I got rejected several times by various people, and I felt it even less than before.

I know, and believe, that everything happens for a reason. There has been more than one instance in my life where I thought I was going through hell, only to make it to the other side, and everything made sense. I keep reminding myself of this now, but I don’t know why it doesn’t seem like the grass will ever get greener. I wish I could just see the pieces starting to fit together, one by one. But instead of fitting together it feels like the pieces keep getting lost. I guess the resounding answer is to keep the faith. And when it feels like things can’t get any worse is when you need to remember that the most. “When you’re going through hell- keep going,” right? 

I trust that eventually, all of this will make sense. Be a chapter in the novel of my life, one that I look back on fondly and remember that I really am a strong woman. I just hope that “eventually” starts showing its head soon. Hope.

I know that everyone has their own personal struggles, and that what feels like a low point to me is a high point to someone else. I know that. But this is my struggle. I’m ready to feel appreciated in all faucets of my life, to feel loved by the people around me- shit, to have people around me, to feel happy with myself. I just want to be happy.

 

Plenty of Shenanigans *The Remix

So after being off of POf for a few months, I had a true moment of weakness and boredom, and I decided it was time to log in again. These are my stories from the last 3 weeks (yes, three) :

My first date since the hiatus was with a 22 year old college student with a really nice bod. We’ll call him Polish Man. Our first date we met up for a beer (A beer) and conversation was good and he’s really attractive. I chose to ignore the fact that he is still in college because he’s getting his Masters in something engineering related this summer. So first date goes well, he tells me at the end of it that this is the “best date” he’s had in awhile and we are subsequently already making plans for date #2. Date #2 with Polish man was pretty fun, we had a few beers at his place and then went out for Cinco de Mayo. The mistake here was going to his place at all.

First, let’s focus on him being in college. Which means that his place was a total college boy bachelor pad- complete with empty liquor bottles. This was my first warning sign and problem… After we went out, we end up back at his place where in between make out sessions, he proceeds to serenade me by playing Mumford and Sons on his guitar. Well, he is in college and we had been drinking, so we ended up doing it. My problem with this is that I didn’t even want to hook up with him and he knew that, but whatever, he is in college, so something had to give.

Fun fact about me: I rarely ever stay at a man’s house after doing it. And by stay, I mean I am typically dressed by the time he comes out of the bathroom. This day was no different. So I leave, and when I get home we’re snap chatting, yada yada and make plans for our next outing. On the 3rd date we planned on going to the local farmer’s market (my kind of party). He texts me a few days prior and says that he wants to go on this night time diving trip and it’s on the same night we’re supposed to go out. That’s cool, we can just reschedule. So we make plans do get dinner and play some pool on another evening. Said night rolls around and Polish man “didn’t realize” that we were going to dinner. Ok, even though I am starving, I can deal with this. So we go play some pool and end up back at my place. Some making out and a little bit of lovin ensues, and now he’s the one running out of my place. I get a text not to long after he leaves informing me that “I’m cool” and that he wants to continue to date me, however, “You’re just not the one I want to marry and spend my life with.”

Pause. What? lol. The funniest thing to me about this is that a) I got kind of dumped by a college student and b) what college student says that?… I’m not sure if it was the sex too soon, me as a person, or if he really is looking for “the one.” But let me tell you, this short-lived experience seriously taught me that I have no business dating college kids. None.

Literally the next day I had a date with The Barber. I’m stilll seeing this guy, so I’ll spare the crazy details, but I kind of like him. He’s nice, considerate, owns his own business, and I like the way he treats me. The jury is still out on this one, but we’ll see. I definitely don’t see this one as my next serious relationship, but he’s fun for right now.   

Then came The Marine. I show up to the restaurant, and he is already sitting at the table. Doesn’t get up to greet me, so I’m already thinking this one is rude. He then proceeds to check his phone rigourously throughout the evening and mainly talked about his new job at a local vineyard like I give two shits. This is wine country, every one is in the wine biz. Well The Marine is from VA, so somehow we get on the subject of VA not being part of the South. He then proceeds to lecture me and tell me I need to brush up on my history because VA was the capital of the Confederacy during the Civil War. -___-

Listen, I don’t give a fuck who you are or where you come from, but Virginia is not the South. I don’t care what Civil War battles happened there, that is not the South. The only thing that really matters about the Civil War is the freeing of the slaves, so idk why you’re touting around this useless knowledge either…. The date ended not too long after this and, dun dun dun, he let me pay. Sooo, needless to say I will not and have not talked to him since.  

Then I went out with another 22 year old, hahaha, who just moved here. And he is a nice young man, but my last 22 year old experience ruined me. It was a typical have a beer/ meet up, and we’ve spoken since, but haven’t seen each other. Which is fine by me.

My last stop on the dating roller coaster was with The Mormon.  I didn’t go out with him knowing that he is Mormon. Not that that should matter, however, it does matter and everybody knows it. So, we’re messaging on POF and he asks me out so I’m like sure and we exchange numbers. First he asked me to go hiking and then get some food. Which isn’t unusual on the coast, but I’m not hiking with someone I don’t know, so I suggest we just get food. Red Flag 1) He agrees to food, but then asks me if I’d want to go night time golfing. I’m like ok, let’s see how the night goes but that sounds fun. He then lets me know that we have to jump the fence…

He really truly thought that asking someone to break the law on a first date was acceptable. I told him that’s not happening. Next day, he asks if I like to dance. Then asks me if I’m interested in going country swing dancing as a double date with his friend. This prompted me to ask the question “Is there something wrong with just going to dinner? lol”

So Saturday arrives and I’m thinking of cancelling all day, but I don’t. I get to the restaurant and order a beer. He orders a coke. “That’s odd,” I say to myself but keep it moving. He then orders a glass of milk with his pizza, and now I know it’s not going to work out because I don’t trust people who don’t drink. Somehow admist our boring conversation, he lets me know that he is indeed Mormon- which is why he doesn’t drink. We also somehow get on the subject of school and he let’s me know that his GPA was like a 2.something in college. Soo, you mean to tell me that you don’t drink and never have, but your grades were still abysmal?.. I thanked him for the evening, drove home, and proceeded to drink a few glasses of wine.

There’s a few other gentleman callers still waiting in the wings, but I think it’s time to shut down the POF for another few months. I don’t have the energy for this.

The thing I’ve realized this time around is that it really isn’t me and the great thing about these experiences is that it’s showing me what I don’t want in a man. And hey, that’s what it’s really all about, right?

 

It’s not that bad

No stories, just writing. I’m not sure how I’m feeling. A little lethargic due to the massive amount of pizza I just consumed. But other than that, I feel…ready. I’m ready to embark on a new path and for a change of scenery. I pray that my prayers will be answered soon, but not my will. Since that last post I’ve gathered my composure and moved on.(sorry, it’s been made private 😉 ) Sure, what The Pilot did sucks balls. But it’s not the end of the world and there are several billion more people in this world. I feel at peace with the situation and I’m honestly relieved and glad that I am free to move on.

I feel like things are gathering momentum and that I’m sitting in the proverbial calm before the storm. I hope so, I just hope that the storm is a good one. Paso isn’t all that bad, it’s just not for me. And being here was truly a stepping stone, and I know that I’m here for a reason.

But what is my actual purpose and where is the next chapter and what is it? Only God knows and all will be revealed when the time comes.

 

Plenty of Shenanigans

Ok, so I’m outting myself. My name is Kristen B… And I am an online dater. Plenty of my friends think I’m crazy for doing it. That I’m smart, attractive, a good person, and an all around great catch. I don’t disagree. But, I find myself living places where the opportunities for love are limited. So what’s a girl to do?

Take initiative and get online. I’ve done both the free service (Plenty of Fish is a hot mess!) and the paying one (eHarmony, thanks for all of the articles!).. Currently my matchmaker of choice is POF, mainly because I don’t live somewhere where there are a lot of young people.. And I don’t see paying for eHarmony as an advantage right now, so here I am.

Which brings me to the topic of discussion. The people you meet on free online dating services. The funny thing about using a free online dating service is that anyone can get on and create a profile. So, you never really know who you’re dealing with. My experiences range from the comical, to creepy, to downright rude. And honestly, this can do a number on your self esteem. Because the service is free, you never know if the person is actually looking for love, a hook-up, a textual relationship, or what have you.

I signed up for POF a few months ago (haven’t used it consistently), and I thought I was headed in the right direction. I got a lot of messages, exchanged some numbers, and set up some dates. A few of these men fell off because of their lack of courage to ask me out, so peace out. But one stood out. He was nice, has a great job, attractive, would call me to talk for hours, and so on. Naturally the next step was to set up an official date. As with any impending first date, a lot of prep goes into it: Outfit, googling their name, researching great first date questions, and so on. We were to go to the Monterey Aquarium (about 1.5hours North of where I live. So I planned to drive up, which was fine with me). Man was I pumped! Ol dude, we’ll call him Ant, called the day before to confirm our plans.. So, this was happening. I filled up my gas tank and headed to work with a little pep in my step. Ant had a wedding to go to that night, so he text me later (hammered), and I let him know that if he’d be too hungover the next day I’d understand (because I’m cool like that). No, he says, we’re still on. Cool! Well, while I’m having this text convo with Ant, a text from my actual aunt came through and I, dun dun dun, accidentally sent him the wrong text: “Nice. What event was that for?” Upon realizing my mistake, I quickly apologized and explained the situation. Ant was not having it. He cancelled immediately and sent a text the next day explaining how he doesn’t think he’s ready for the online dating world… DAMN.

I was sad about that for half a day, but after a nap and an afternoon run, said fuck you and realized the beauty of online dating is that there’s plenty more fish in the sea (pun intended).

Shortly after this incident, I got asked out again by a 25 year old agricultural engineer and, boy, he was really cute. So we made plans to meet up at a bar on a Friday night in his city, because, have I mentioned how much I hate where I live? We’ll call him Al. Al walks in at 6’2 and greets me with a hug. Besides the usually first date pauses, the evening went relatively well! But, it was a Friday night, and I’m a working woman, so three beers later I was ready for my bed. He walks me to my car, and I offer to drop him off at his place just a few blocks away. I pull up and a passionate make-out session ensues, but I only make out for 3-5 minutes on a first date in order to cock-block myself, so he gets out and that’s it. The next day, the usual follow up text “Had a great time, let’s do it again soon,” came and I was satisfied with that… But Wednesday rolls around and I haven’t heard from him. That’s fine. I shoot him a quick “Hey, hope you’re having a great week text,” and go on about my day. Something like three or four days go by and I haven’t heard a word from him. So I do what I usually do, and went out and had a few beers. In my drunken haze, my friend Rick suggests that I should call him. That’s a great idea, I think, what’s the worse that can happen??? So I call. Al picks up the phone and hangs up. (this is funny to me now) Soooo, that was the end of that.

My next night out was with a 40-year old who looks 25, and he’s pretty cute and I like what he says in his messages. So I met him and a few friends out. He was hammered. We didn’t speak for awhile after that.

I gave up online dating for awhile after him, because I figured three failed attempts in a month was a bit much. So I had my friend Amy set me up. That guy is a blog post in itself, but one night while I was out with Amy, her boo, and her friend, we ran into above-mentioned 40-year-old. I could already tell that me and Amy’s friend weren’t destined to be together, so when 40-year-old, we’ll call him Old Man, asked me out again I said why not?

We went out for Sushi and beers and I was surprised that I actually enjoyed spending time with him. We kept in touch about 2 weeks after the date, but I haven’t heard from him since Christmas. This doesn’t really bother me, because let’s face it, he was old.

Last week I went on a coffee date with a 21-year-old I met on POF, we’ll call him Italian. Italians are my weakness. Conversation was good, he’s ambitious, smart, and attractive. Although he’s hit me up a few times since the date, and we’re now Facebook friends (which he backed me into doing, so I’m not pleased about it), that is clearly on the road to nowhere.

I was also talking to this other cute guy who lives in the same town Ant does. We would talk a few times a week for an hour or two, and things seemed to be flowing along pretty naturally. We had a date scheduled this weekend to the Aquarium that I never got to go to. Again, I was going to drive up. We made this date a week ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.

Tomorrow I’m going hiking with another guy I had a really good first date with, and he seems really nice. Bonus points because he is Asian, which means he’s respectful and family-oriented. My mom is making me send her all of his info, because, he just may chop me up and throw me in the Pacific Ocean. Pray for me.

So, why am I telling you all of this? After my second plan a date and disappear, I am deeply disturbed by this, to say the least. Not to mention that I keep going out (above was not an all-inclusive list), only to never hear from the guy again and I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT I’M DOING. Does this happen to other people??? Is there something, gasp, wrong with ME? Is it because I’m using a free-online dating site, and well, people just don’t care?! I just know that I try to treat people how I like to be treated, and even when a guy I didn’t like asks me out again I at least do him the courtesy of letting him know that he’s just not my type.

I’d love to get off the online dating thing, but, because I live in a town where the median age is 65, no exaggeration, I really don’t have an option right now… but I’m hesitant to pay for this shit because I’ll be damned if I pay $40 a month for the same results.

I don’t know. Of course, this doesn’t keep me from doing the things that I want to do. And I try not to let these situations affect my self esteem or make me a man hater. But damn, is it really that hard to meet someone honest, genuine, and not a flake now-a-days?

Anyway, despite all of the let downs, I’m still smiling, having a good time, and doing me. I’m not sure what God has in store for me, but everything happens for a reason. Just not sure what the reason for all of this is quite yet.

So hey, if you know a hot single guy and you live on the Central Coast- hook a sista up!